Boroughs for Beginners: Manhattan

The borough of Manhattan (or ‘Mannatthans’ from the original Dutch), also known as New York County, is the most densely populated state county in the United States, with an estimated density of 25,850 people per square kilometre – with a total land area just above 60 square kilometres, that represents a population of roughly 1.5 million. Astonishingly, approximately 6% of this population have never seen a single episode of Seinfeld; less astonishing is the statistic that only 21% of Manhattanites have seen more than one episode of CSI: New York. Around 14% have never used the phrase “I’m walking here!” other than as a parody and, despite the borough’s name, only 2% of the population are tanned hat-wearing men.

Legend holds that the island was bought from an Algonquin tribe who were paid approximately $24 for the land, disbursed in beads and other knick-knacks. Although the dollar value has been disputed by many serious historians (and some hilarious ones) who estimate the value to be far closer to $34 and change, elements of this story have pervaded into modern New York culture, one key example being the name of the New York Knicks basketball team, who were originally called the New York Knick-Knacks until the ‘Knacks’ were dropped in 1961. Also, it has been rumoured that this is how the Taxi and Limousine Commission decided on their initial fare charges, basing estimated ride duration on percentages of the value of New York as paid by the first explorers. This theory has no basis in fact, but is widely accepted to be true.

The geography of Manhattan’s streets is relatively simple for the newcomer or tourist. All streets and avenues are numbered, with streets (1st Street through to 220th Street) running from east to west and avenues (First Avenue to Twelfth Avenue) running from north to south. There are also some ‘virtual’ streets and avenues in New York which allow for more unusual routes: Pi Street allows time travel for 3,141 years into the past or future, Nineteenth Avenue can only be reached if you are in the company of Paul Hardcastle, N Street increases the value of your MetroCard exponentially the further you travel along it, while Infinity Street is the least popular place to live in the entire borough as it operates a non-stop ‘other side of the street’ parking policy.

The cocktail which bears the borough’s name is perhaps one of the most famous in drinking history. It is made from rye or bourbon whisky, vermouth and a dash of Angostura bitters, stirred with ice and then poured into a Martini glass, garnished with a Maraschino cherry; it can also be served on the rocks. The origins of how the Manhattan cocktail came to be invented are disputed: some claim it was invented in the 1880s by the bartender at the Manhattan Club in honour of Governor Samuel J. Tilden, others credit a man named Mr. Black at a bar on Houston Street and Broadway in the 1860s. However, others claim that looking carefully at the design of the recipe shows it to be too complicated merely to have evolved into its current form, and that there must have been a ‘prime mover’/‘prime shaker’ who first created these individual elements, allowing them to combine later naturally. This latter group’s philosophy, originally formulated to describe champagne cocktails and which is more popularly known as ‘Intelligent Fizz-Wine’, has been widely derided by the oenological and mixological communities, who prefer to focus on the mixing of the ingredients over time to form the cocktails we currently imbibe.

Manhattan’s pace of living in is reputed to be absolutely frantic and it is here that the term ‘New York minute’ was originally coined. A standard minute consists of sixty seconds, whereas in New York, a minute consists of approximately twenty-seven seconds. Although most of the world uses time and date conventions which call this year 2005, Manhattanites prefer to use their own ‘New York minute’-based calendar system where the year is in fact, 3417. Evidence of flying cars, interstellar travel, peaceful co-existence with alien species, a robotic slave underclass and genetically augmented superhumans has yet to be discovered on the island, although these different calendrical calculations may explain why Mayor Bloomberg is seeking to raise the retirement age to 120.

Did you know?
Greenwich Village’s street system is different from the rest of Manhattan because it declared its independence from the United States in 1901 and the federal government reclaimed all the numbers that had been used to mark the street signs. When the Village re-entered the United States, due to the devastating effect of America’s economic sanctions, those street numbers were not returned, instead being put on display at the Smithsonian Institution as a warning to other neighbourhoods who might contemplate secession.

Boroughs for Beginners: Brooklyn

The modern-day borough of Brooklyn, named after the Dutch town of Breukelen, was originally a part of New Netherland and consisted of the six towns of Gravesend, Breukelen, New Amersfoot, Midwout, New Utrecht and Boswijck. Between the English conquest of the area in 1664 and the successful vote in 1898 to join the other four boroughs to form the City of New York, the urbanisation and annexing of local towns in the area proceeded at a frantic pace, giving rise to today’s characterisation of Brooklynites as marauding conquistadors, drunk on blood-lust, savagery and an almost unholy yearning for all the Gouda in the land.

During the organisation of Brooklyn’s community boards – the political entities that run different neighbourhoods – advice was sought from many of the leading political thinkers in America, and the borough government eventually decided to adopt policies from the visiting Fellows at the Kennedy School of Government at that time: Big Bird, Ernie and Bert. Applying graduate research they had undertaken at U-Sesame, they decided that the borough should be brought to the people of New York by the letter ‘B’ and the number ‘18’. This explains why there are 18 community boards, and why so many of the neighbourhoods’ names begin with B: Bedford-Stuyvesant, Bay Ridge, Bergen Beach, Bensonhurst, Brighton Beach, Brownsville, etc.

The borough is renowned for having the highest number of Star Trek fans (as a percentage of the 14+ population) in the entire United States. Indeed, the borough motto ‘Een Draght Mackt Maght’, while allegedly in Dutch, is in fact a Klingon phrase which translates roughly as ‘May the Sons of your Enemies burn in an Eternal Fire while their Honour is Purged from the Ballads of the Gods by Vengeance’s Blade’. Each year, the Trekkie population of Brooklyn makes a pilgrimage to Keyspan Park on Coney (also known as ‘k’Neh’) Island for a day of gladiatorial-style combat between key figures from the shows’ histories. The Good Kirk/Bad Kirk smackdown of 1979 lives long in these residents’ memories.

Brooklyn is renowned for its sportiness, with the Brooklyn Cyclones baseball team in the minor league, the Brooklyn Kings basketball team and former teams such as the Brooklyn Dodgers, Mutuals, Americans, Eckfords, Atlantics and a host of others. Currently, the number one sport in the borough is roller derby, represented by the Brooklyn Bombshells who are led by their captain, Anne Phetamean. With new pivot/blocker/jammer Mae Hemm due to join their roster in 2006 (boasting 7-4-67-41 stats for ’05), the BBs are looking good to gain bragging rights over Gotham Girls competitors Queens of Pain, Manhattan Mayhem, Staten Island S.I.-chos and The Bronx Rumblers. New fans of the sport should be aware that although ‘jam’ is a technical term here, it involves neither preserved fruits nor the extensive playing of the lead guitar for hours on end by David Gilmour.

A popular neighbourhood in Brooklyn is located between the Manhattan and Brooklyn Bridges, known as DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass), and it was here that the Ferrari-driving scene was filmed for Pacino’s Oscar-winning 1992 film Scent of a Woman. Other popular neighbourhoods in Brooklyn include BAMBI (Beaten and Attacked at the Manhattan Bridge Intersection), PLUTO (Pumping Lead Under The Overpass) and PUMBAA (Pissed Up by the Manhattan Bridge And Angry). Reports regarding the development of Disneyland Brooklyn are currently being kept in strict secrecy, although CEO Robert Iger, who was born in New York, is understood to be taking personal charge of the project.

Did you know?
Williamsburgh in Brooklyn is named in honour of Col. Jonathan Williams, the U.S. Army engineer who surveyed the area. While confused by his readings and lost, despite his rudimentary compass, he stopped for a quick burger, providing the ‘Williams’ burg(a)h’ name for the area all New York hipsters now know and love!

Boroughs for Beginners: Staten Island

Although the first European contact with Staten Island was made by Italian explorer Giovanni da Verrazano in 1524, it would be nearly another century until the island was colonised. While Henry Hudson established trade with the Netherlands in the early seventeenth century, renaming the island ‘Staaten Eylandt’, there existed an indigenous people called the Lenape, an aboriginal North American tribe, who called the island ‘Aquehonga Manacknong’. It was for precisely this reason that the native islanders were wiped out by the conquering Americans, as they clearly could not be trusted to name their own island in a sensible fashion.

The island played a significant role in the American Revolution, being used by the British as a strategic base in 1776 for General Howe’s troops to invade New York. The soldiers deployed from the island were victorious in their first encounter with George Washington’s troops, defeating them at the Battle of Long Island. Between that battle and the British forces’ withdrawal in 1783, Staten Island became thoroughly anglicised, to that extent that even local flora and fauna were heard to speak in the King’s English, often requesting tea, crumpets and laudanum. It would be many decades before Staten Island’s plant and animal life were heard to speak in the New York dialect that is common in all five boroughs today.

Modern Staten Island is primarily known for its dwarf colony, established on the east side of the island. Following the dwarf pogroms of the early 1930s, dwarves from all over the world flocked to the island to create a place where they could exist free from persecution and Disneyification. Fearing for their way of life, they established settlements on Staten Island where they could pursue their dreams of a repression and tallness-free existence. These dwarves are an important part of New York’s economy, providing skilled expertise in the construction of Empire State Building miniature replicas for tourists, as well as being winched from hovering helicopters to clean the spire of the Chrysler Building for the annual Dwarf Day celebrations.

The borough also includes several smaller islands which were believed, until recently, to be uninhabited. Further investigation into these islands in the 1990s revealed Shooters Island to be inhabited by nomadic barmen, Swinburne Island to be filled with poets, while Hoffman Island is, in fact, the exclusive residence of independent cinema’s premier character actor Philip Seymour Hoffman, who guards his privacy jealously by using other established character actors such as Chris Cooper, William Fichtner, David Morse, Brad Dourif and William H. Macy as guards to prevent the legions of fans and casting agents from pestering him.

Staten Island is one of the most conservative of the five New York boroughs, generally favouring Republicans over Democrats in local and national elections. In presidential elections since 1952, they have only voted for three Democratic candidates: Lyndon B. Johnson in 1964, William J. Clinton in 1996 and Albert A. Gore Jr in 2000. No resident of Staten Island has ever been President of the United States, although the 19th Vice-President, William A. Wheeler, once visited the island under the mistaken impression that it was Tahiti, possibly giving rise to the island’s preference for electing flattering Republicans, however moronic.

Did you know?
Famous Staten Islanders include Valery Giscard D’Estaing, ‘Sir’ Les Ferdinand, Ben Reilly, the Wu-Tang Clan, and Kermit the Frog, although all of them have been too ashamed to admit to their origins, apart from the Clan who, reputedly, ain’t nuthing ta f wit!

Boroughs for Beginners: The Bronx

The only New York borough to be located on the North American mainland, The Bronx is confusingly named. Although the borough is known as The Bronx, the county is known only as Bronx, without the definite article, leading some residents to believe that there are several Bronx counties existing in parallel universes to our own, all of which are better than wherever it is you come from. There is also confusion regarding how to describe natives of this borough: Bronxers, Bronxians, Bronxites, and Bronxerianites are all popular names, despite residents’ predilections for calling themselves ‘The Bomb’.

During the era of prohibition in America, The Bronx was noted for its high crime rate and the large number of gangs, bootleggers, drug dealers and speakeasies. It has been estimated that the borough’s residents spent an average of 17.3 hours per day completely drunk on the illegally-brewed liquor that was served on street corners by purpose-trained dogs, known as hooch-pooches. These dogs, mainly beagles, became so expert at their work that after prohibition laws were repealed, many of them found work at some of the most exclusive bars, clubs and gambling houses in Manhattan. They are believed to been the inspiration for numerous paintings of dogs playing cards by C.M. Coolidge.

One of The Bronx’s most famous attractions is Yankee Stadium, home of the New York Yankees baseball team. Opened in 1923, the stadium itself is rumoured to have been discovered during an archaeological dig in the area that found early Greco-Roman foundations of an amphitheatre-style design. The stadium’s nickname, ‘The House That Ruth Built’ is popularly understood to be a reference to the Yankees player Babe Ruth, although many believe it to be only because he was a player there. In fact, he and his sister Mary were leaders of the archaeological team that dug up the previous foundations. In gratitude to him, the Yankees offered him the chance to relocate from Boston to continue his archaeological research as well as play a little baseball in his spare time. Baseball history records that he accepted their offer.

The Bronx is also reputed to be the birthplace of hip-hop music, more specifically the South Bronx area in the 1970s where DJs at block parties would focus mainly on the percussive and rhythmical elements of the songs, identifying them as the best parts to dance to, and thereby creating a new genre of music that became instantly popular. The Bronx is where Grandmaster Flash, aka Joseph Saddler, grew up and became a part of the earliest DJ scenes in New York. His title ‘Grandmaster’ is not – as one might expect – a reference to his pre-eminence in the speed-chess world, but rather an official title denoting his responsibilities as Head of the Order of the Knights Templar, an occupation he undertook while associating with The 3 MCs and, later, The Furious Five.

Bronx Week is a celebration traditionally held in the third week of June each year, to celebrate the borough and to remember its founder, the Swedish mariner Jonas Bronck. Each year, residents celebrate with the famed Herring Pyre, where tons upon tons of herring are placed in the centre of Yankee Stadium and ritually burned as an offering to the Nordic gods which they think Bronck might have believed in (possibly). After the lighting of the Herring Pyre, residents go to their nearest street corners to drink copious amounts of Swedish vodka served, in a tribute to their history, by relatives of the original hooch-pooches from the 1920s. Each year, the Bronx Hall of Fame inductees are paraded through the streets and required to drink their own body weight in either vodka or puréed ashen herring (their own choice) before being sworn in and apprised of their new duties: in the history of the event so far, only 1997 Hall of Famer Regis Philbin has opted for the puréed herring.

Did you know?
The human body’s bronchi, airways into the lungs, are named after The Bronx, as is their viral or bacterial infection named bronchitis. Next time you feel a cough coming on, remember where it came from!

Boroughs for Beginners: Queens

Queens, the largest of the five New York boroughs, is so named for the numerous and generally itinerant population of ‘drag artists’ who form the backbone of the legal and judicial establishment in the borough. The Queens’ queens, while enjoying the opportunity to wear flamboyant and often sequined clothing, have been the effective government of the borough since it was created as such in 1898. Various attempts by the ‘religious right’ conservative movements in America in the latter half of the twentieth century to make the wearing of female clothing by these queens illegal have all failed.

One of the most ethnically and culturally diverse areas of New York, the varied neighbourhoods in Queens represent a cross-section of the world’s nationalities, including one of the largest Greek populations outside Greece, the largest Indian Sikh population outside India, and large African-American, Filipino, Caribbean, Latino, Jewish, Chinese and Korean communities as well. There is also a small, but significant, Lilliputian community near Richmond Hill, whose importing and exporting of eggs for the region has a major economic impact. The borough is also one of the only places remaining in the world where Lilliputians and Blefuscuans live side-by-side in peaceful co-existence.

Queens is home to Flushing Meadows Park, the site of both the 1939 and 1964 World’s Fairs. The main symbol of the 1964 fair, the Unisphere, remains in the park representing “Man’s Achievements on a Shrinking Globe in an Expanding Universe” and was featured in the 1997 scientific documentary film Men In Black. This 140 feet high steel globe has three rings encircling it, representing the orbital tracks made by cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, astronaut John Glenn and the Telstar satellite. Although officially constructed by the United States Steel Corporation, many Queens residents tell a tale of giant space kittens playing with balls of steel-yarn who left one of their toys on Earth as a reminder of their existence. This theory has never been adequately substantiated, although the water running to these residents’ domiciles has been checked several times for contaminants.

The borough is also home to the two main airports in New York: LaGuardia (LGA) and John F. Kennedy International (JFK). The first airport, named after former Mayor of New York Fiorello LaGuardia, is primarily for domestic destinations and is second in the list of world airports cited as reasons for divorce (#1 remains London Luton Airport). The latter airport – originally named Idlewild – has nine terminals, four of which have been rated in the ‘Least Likely’ category by Fodor’s Official Depression Guide 05/06, an impressive total for only one airport. Taxi services from both airports accepted both cash and black-market organs as payment for journeys into Manhattan until increased security post-2001 led to the outlawing of organs as currency. Unlicensed cabs, however, may still accept minor organs, subject to successful tissue sampling – passengers are advised to haggle.

Queens is unique amongst the other boroughs in New York insofar as it has never reported any seismic activity, real or imagined. Psychologists investigating this in the 1970s conducted extensive testing among residents of all five boroughs and were seemingly at a loss to explain this lack of basic geological paranoia. The research continued into the late 1990s and although instances of ‘phantom earthquake’ have died down in all areas of New York, scientists were unable to explain why only this borough’s residents have never imagined magma rising up from under their feet and consuming the planet. The public water network remains the subject of continued contaminant checks.

Did you know?
In 2004, the estimated population of Queens was 2,237,216, of whom approximately 9% are fully fluent in both English and Volapük – the highest number of Volapük speakers outside the German town of Baden where the universal language was first created. Vö!

Subway Uncovered: 5 Avenue-Bryant Park/42 Street

Served by the 7, B, D, F and V lines, 5 Avenue-Bryant Park/42 Street is not only an alternative route between Times Square-42 Street and Grand Central-42 Street (for those not wishing to take the 42 Street Shuttle), but also a quick route east from Manhattan into Queens, serving Shea Stadium. The station is also home to generations of pygmy-wolves who are unofficial employees of the Metropolitan Transit Authority.

When the station was being built, the tunnellers discovered that their tools were going missing with alarming regularity. Initially suspecting that fellow tunnellers were stealing their equipment, it was not until one digger spotted a shovel moving away in the darkness with a small tail emerging that they realised they had lupine companionship in the dig.

Investigating further, a small group of tunnellers discovered that the small wolves were, in fact, borrowing their equipment in order to dig further along the line, thereby speeding up the eventual completion of the line. As works progressed, it was not unusual to see humans and wolves side-by-side, constructing the struts and columns, welding girders, and occasionally sitting on the partly completed platform, sharing cigarettes.

The origin of these small or "pygmy-" wolves is uncertain. Some have suggested that they originated from the New York Public Library, where for centuries they had been contributing to important research disproving the existence of werewolves. Records of this research are not available to the public, but have never been disputed by librarians working in that era.

Others believe that they had been living deep under Grand Central station, and that the Bryant Park wolves were a migratory offshoot of the main, larger wolf pack that still lives under the main Grand Central terminus. One theory, initially popular but now discredited, is that the wolves originated in Newhaven and had migrated to Grand Central on the Metro-North service. This has been disproved due to lack of diplomas observed on the walls of the more senior wolves' offices.

From the opening of the station in 1917, wolves and humans have shared the maintenance and operational duties of the station. In 1953, one of the elders of the pygmy-wolf pack resident under the 42 Street/6 Avenue exit made an unsuccessful bid to be elected Mayor of New York but was eventually defeated by Robert F. Wagner. He returned to his subway duties but was a noted lupine rights campaigner in the 1960s, attempting to institute the first Million Wolf Howl. This event, however, never managed to be launched successfully.

In more recent times, the 5 Avenue-Bryant Park Lupine Response Unit has received consistently high scores in emergency and terror response drills on the subway. It has been speculated that their superior night vision gives them an edge on other, human, response teams. Whether this is an evolutionary attribute or rather the fact that they are adept at constructing night-goggles that fit snugly over their ears, is uncertain.

Today, many commuters have expressed their resentment that wolves are allowed free travel on the 7 line, yet this is in fact an urban myth. Wolves receive some subsidy on season MetroCards, however they are still required to pay around 75% of the cost of their travel, money that they earn through wholesale and mail-order sales of night-goggles. It is expected that during his second term Mayor Bloomberg will seek a mandate to reduce wolves’ travel subsidies over a five-year period in order to make them a more self-sustaining and competitive commercial MTA venture.

Subway Uncovered: Myrtle Avenue

Myrtle Avenue was a local station near DeKalb Avenue station (B, M, Q, R lines) until 1956, when it went rogue. Since then, there have been regular reports from train drivers and commuters of a station appearing at will in the middle of a train line when none was expected. Thus far, New York sightings of Myrtle Avenue station have been in Manhattan, the Bronx and Brooklyn, although there has been a single report of an appearance as part of the Staten Island Railway, though this was a tourist confusing the rogue station with a station that was actually supposed to be there (Huguenot) and independent investigators have concluded that the tourist was an idiot; he is now in a federal institution.

Rumours have abounded as to the true reason why Myrtle Avenue was sacked as a station in 1956. The official reason is that the expansion of DeKalb Avenue necessitated additional space that would require Myrtle Avenue to close. However, the most popular alternative reason is that Myrtle Avenue was recruited by the CIA in the mid-1950s to monitor the rise of Communism in the five boroughs and to report back to Langley. This mission was clearly incompatible with remaining in service, and so surrounding stations were required to take up some of the slack that Myrtle Avenue’s departure would leave.

A campaign of confusion and disinformation was required in order to cover for the station’s disappearance, and this can be seen on modern subway maps. On the L, M lines there is Myrtle-Wyckoff Avenues station, on the J, M, Z lines there is Myrtle Avenue station and on the G line, there is Myrtle-Willoughby Avenues station. This was a deliberate attempt, mandated by President Eisenhower’s Executive Order, to confuse anyone seeking to expose Myrtle Avenue and its valuable mission for the nation.

From what historians have pieced together from declassified records, Myrtle Avenue station spent some time in Washington, DC in the late 1960s and early 1970s, possibly training with DC Metro stations as part of a ‘black ops’ unit for President Nixon, specialising in urban pacification. It was around this time that the Farragut South station on the DC Metro went missing – it has not been heard from since and has been erased from all Washington transit records.

There are sporadic reports throughout the 1970s and 1980s of a ‘phantom station’ appearing on overland rail networks throughout the continental United States, however reports of the station’s return to New York only began after President George H. W. Bush relinquished his role as CIA Director in 1977 and became Vice President in 1981. This coincidence has given rise to much speculation as to the station’s later role, and indeed whether this station still has any formal ties to the CIA or whether it is now for private hire.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that after President Clinton left office in 2000 and located his personal office in Harlem, at the same time as his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton was junior senator for New York and had her office on 3 Avenue, Myrtle Avenue station has been employed by the Bush family in order to discredit the Clintons and ensure the Bush dynastic succession in the Presidency for generations to come.

Although there is no photographic evidence linking either the former or the current President Bush with Myrtle Avenue station, Governor Jeb Bush has been seen recently on a rare visit to New York, near the Clinton-Washington Avenues station on the G line. The Governor’s staff have refused to comment on this off-itinerary stop for the President’s brother, although the GOP was prepared to go on the record as saying: “If the subway could vote, it would be Republican.” Myrtle Avenue station is currently wanted by the government, and is believed to survive as a soldier of fortune.